One of the biggest misconceptions in the “sleep training world” is that a baby needs to follow a schedule for sleep and feeding. I am sure you have seen many posts on social media promoting ideal schedules for a six-month-old (or any other age), and these put so much pressure on parents. Aside from the fact that they cause parents a lot of unnecessary stress, I’m not too fond of these generic schedules because they do not account for each baby’s unique sleep needs, and they don’t encourage parents to follow their intuition or learn their baby’s cues. No baby or family is alike, especially when it comes to sleep, so no schedule is perfect for everyone.
I’m sure some of you are reading this intro and feeling a bit disheartened. For many, before baby arrived, our lives revolved around schedules and predictability. You probably clicked on this post because you are searching for some rhythm to your new life with your baby. But fear not. While I’m not going to share a magic schedule based on “perfectly timed wake windows” for your little one’s exact age, what I am going to share will help you and your baby get more predictability in your lives by building some rhythms and routines into your day.
Rhythms – what are they, and how are they different (and better) than a schedule
Let’s start with rhythms; the idea behind having a rhythm to your day is that there is a natural follow to your daily activities and that they generally occur in the same order from day to day. This probably sounds like a schedule to some of you, but the main difference is that things aren’t tied to a particular time. For example, maybe your morning starts with nursing (or giving your baby a bottle), followed by a walk, breakfast, and play time until the baby’s first nap. This would be considered a rhythm. Notice nothing is said about when these activities need to happen or how long each is because the reality is every day these activities will look different. Maybe one day you take a long walk, the next a short walk, so playtime is short (or longer) until baby is tired. Perhaps there’s a day playtime is skipped altogether because your baby flashes sleep cues early. Or is going through a growth spurt, so extra feedings are thrown into the morning. I could go on and on about the different variations, but I’m sure you get the picture. Each day looks slightly different, but there is a general sequence of activities.
Where this becomes better than a schedule, in my opinion, is that the parents and baby have some predictability in their day but are not stressed if naps and feedings are not happening at a certain time. Instead of thinking “baby’s nap is at 10 am” and then worrying if baby won’t nap at this set time, a rhythms mindset allows parents to think, “baby’s nap is after (insert whatever activity works for your family) and I’ll watch for sleepy cues around that time.”
Also, this doesn’t mean you HAVE to do the exact same sequence every day. It’s expected that weekends, rainy days, holidays etc. look different and that there may even be weekly activities such as grocery shopping or taking your older child to preschool that disrupts your rhythms often. These are perfectly ok! I cannot stress enough that the whole idea of a rhythm is to allow SOME predictability in your life (and baby’s life) but that it is fluid enough to allow lots of flexibility.
If you’ve read this far, you’re at the very least curious to learn more, but I want first to acknowledge that ditching the clock and adopting a natural flow to your day can be a lot harder than it sounds. It can be especially tough if you’re anxious around your littlest one’s sleep (it’s ok, I’ve been there too) or have taken a sleep course or follow sleep training social media accounts, especially those sneaky ones that don’t really look like sleep trainers. I remember worrying big time that my daughter hadn’t fallen into a schedule by six months (I share that experience in my post here), but schedules never worked for her. I know this fear was from seeing things online that implied she should have a schedule by that age. Even by 9-10 months, when her nap times became a bit more predictable, there was still variability in exactly what time she would go down each day. This is perfectly normal and mainly due to her temperament.
Some babies are very predictable with their feeding and sleeping, and I have friends who know without a doubt that their baby will nap at a specific time. If this is your little one, and they seem to be doing well with a schedule (some babies will pretty much put themselves on a schedule), there is no need to change anything. But many babies do much better with a rhythm to their day instead.
All About Routines
The concept of a routine, especially a nap time or bedtime routine, is probably more familiar to you. A routine is a series of activities done in the same order to cue that a specific event is coming. They are different from a rhythm in that they are more specific and are generally short (maybe 5-10 mins for nap time, 20-40 mins for bedtime), whereas a rhythm is over a longer period of time, such as a morning or even an entire day.
Routines do not have to be complicated, nor is there a perfect routine for every baby. The idea is that you find a series of activities you and your baby enjoy to signal that it is time for sleep. When it comes to bedtime, making sure the routine is enjoyable and centred around connecting with your baby is so important. Sleep is a very vulnerable state for babies and long stretches at night represent major separation (even if we room share or bedshare), so connection is essential at this time. And it is much easier to connect with your little one if you’re doing activities you enjoy. For example, if you love bathtime, great, it can be part of the bedtime routine, but if it’s an activity that you don’t like to do, there is no pressure to include it (or for your partner to do this part of it’s something they enjoy and it helps your baby unwind). There is no right or wrong routine, just one that is right for your family. It may take some playing around with different activities to find the one that works for you, and it may change over time. But once you find what works for you and you’ve started incorporating it regularly, it will signal to your baby that sleep is coming and make the transition from active time to rest time so much easier. Remember, however, no routine no matter how perfect will put a baby who isn’t tired to sleep, so be sure to be in tune with their unique sleepy cues (more on this coming soon).
To give you an example, I’ll share our daughter’s routine. O loves bathtime, so my husband or I bathe her almost every night before bed as the start of her routine. She loves to kick, splash and play, which for some babies might be too stimulating, but getting out that last bit of energy while winding down in the warm water works for O. After her bath, we put a nighttime diaper on her (these diapers from The Honest Company are our favourite), followed by pyjamas and her sleep sack (we love this Woolino sleep sack.) Next, we brush her hair and then brush her teeth. O loves to close her curtains, and I always say “goodnight world” as age does this. Then we read her a story or two (she also loves to pick out which books we read). After her stories, my husband and I each kiss her good night, and I take her to our bed to nurse her to sleep. If you’ve been reading along O’s sleep journey (you can read our first sleep journey post here) you probably already know how much I love this final nurse to sleep. I sing to her while rocking her, and it really is my favourite way to end the day. I want to remind you that there is no perfect bedtime routine, just the perfect one for your baby. This is what works for our family, and I encourage you to find what works for yours. For some, it may look similar to ours; for others, it may look wildly different, and both are perfectly ok.
I hope that after reading this post, you feel more at ease about how you spend your days with your baby and that following rhythms and routines provides the structure to your days you are craving. But more importantly, I hope this post gives you permission to let go of finding the perfect schedule and allows you the freedom to go with the flow throughout your day.
