Motherhood has taught me so many things. In my first post, I shared how I learned to trust my intuition during O’s first three months of life (if you missed it, click here). This is the next part of our journey. I had to lean into that intuition and learn when to ditch social norms when it came to baby sleep. This was a lot harder for me to do than learning to trust my gut, being the rule follower and people pleaser I am. But in the end, I was able to tune out the noise and bedshare confidently. If you are on the fence about whether or not to bedshare or are feeling guilty for this being your current sleep arrangements, this post is for you.
Before O was born, I never thought we would be a bedsharing family. We had O’s sleep arrangements set up well before her arrival, with a bassinet next to our bed for the newborn days and a crib for her to sleep in when she was older. As far as I knew, that was where babies slept, or at least that is where they slept safely, so O not sleeping in her crib never even crossed my mind when I was pregnant.
While I had gotten good at doing what came naturally during the newborn days, there was an instinct I spent a long time fighting: bedsharing.
For a good reason; if not done safely, bedsharing can be a risky sleeping arrangement for a baby. However, there are ways to make bedsharing safe based on research, and this is where O’s sleep journey led us next.
*If you are reading this and want information on how to safely bedshare with your baby, look into the work of Professor James McKenna and check out Le Leach Leagues Safe Sleep 7. @cosleepy on Instagram is another excellent resource.
From day one, O and I had a desire to be close. Even that first night in the hospital, O slept peacefully on either my husband or myself. The few times we tried to lay O in the little hospital basinet, knowing a bit of rest would be good for us, she would cry. So we would pick her up and continue snuggling. On our first night home, when she was just over 48 hours old, O naturally struggled to sleep in her bassinet. I had an overwhelming desire to bring her into our bed, but everything from the prenatal classes we took to the parenting books I had read said this was not safe. I remember saying to my husband a few times during the newborn days, “I wish it were safe for her to sleep with us,” but that is as far as the conversation would go.
After about a week, O started sleeping 2-hour stretches in her bassinet. We had a bassinet that could hover over our mattress, and I would sleep with my face as close to the mesh side as I possibly could, with my hand easily able to be placed on her stomach when she needed reassurance that I was right there. It was almost like we were bedsharing, but she had a separate sleep surface. After two and a half weeks, O was sleeping one 4-6 hour stretch at night without any intervention from us at all, and up to nurse every 2 hours after that. I loved having her so close and would check on her often. Most nights, I would stare at her sleeping next to me. I knew early on when the time came for her to move out of our room, I would miss these nights of just watching her sleep (which is probably a big part of why she has yet to see sleep in her own room at night.)
O’s nights continued to go smoothly for a few months, but of course, we had the occasional rough night. I remember one night, when O was around two months old and was going through a growth spurt. We were up every hour on the hour. The next day I knew I was too tired to trust myself to stay awake for our morning snuggle on the couch. A friend had mentioned safely napping with her baby in her bed during the newborn phase, so I decided to look up how to safely let O nap in our bed with me right next to her. I found LLL’s Safe Sleep 7 and quickly assessed our bed. We met all the criteria (a sober, non-smoking, breastfeeding mother and a healthy, full-term baby) and could easily make our bed safe (firm mattress, no loose covers, no gaps or cords). I decided to try a nap in our bed in case I couldn’t stay awake.
I didn’t sleep a wink.
Still, I was glad I hadn’t tried holding her on the couch and that I found guidelines to follow to keep her safe on days I was too tired to hold her for her nap. We swapped a contact nap for a nap in our bed whenever we had a rough night. This was rare, not even weekly, but eventually, after watching her sleep peacefully next to me a few times, I started trusting that she was OK and started being able to nap as well. Even though I enjoyed these naps in our bed, part of me felt guilty for doing them on occasion. I kept our bedsharing naps a secret for a long time.
Around 4.5 months, O was getting too big for her bassinet. She was waking from rolling into the side of the bassinet most nights and had started wiggling down and running out of leg room a few times a night. One night she rolled and could reach the top edge of her bassinet with her hand, and it just no longer felt safe to me.
Realizing that O had outgrown her bassinet brought tears to my eyes. I was so not ready for her to sleep in her own room. I couldn’t bare the thought of her not being right next to me. It took some convincing, but later that day, my husband disassembled O’s crib from her perfectly decorated nursery and set it up right next to my side of the bed. I took pictures of our new sleep setup and posted a heartfelt caption about the momentous milestone on my Instagram story, completely oblivious to what was about to unfold….
The ten nights that followed were the most sleepless nights we had since O’s first week of life. She just hated her crib, and the longest stretch of sleep any of us got was 90 mins, with 30-60 mins being the norm. And when she woke it wasn’t her typical light rouse to nurse. She was angry when she woke and took a while to settle, especially if she wasn’t hungry.
On the 10th night, after more wake-ups than Nic and I could count, at 4 am, I told him I was bringing her into our bed. Thankfully, I already knew how to make our bed safe. Desperate for a bit of sleep, I stripped the heavy duvet and extra pillows from our bed, removed O’s sleep sack, nursed her to sleep then laid her next to me. She slept for 4 hours straight.
Nic and I were shocked. We even thought it might have been a total fluke. The crib was literally touching our mattress; how could it be possible being a few inches closer to mama make all the difference for O? Yet, desperate for a decent night’s sleep, we decided to try it all night the following night.
O slept from 10 pm to 4 am, then her typical feeding every 2 hours after that until we got up for the day around 8 am.
Again, we were shocked. We decided we would bedshare for “one more night” to get “caught up on sleep” and go back to trying her crib after that (famous last words, right.) Again, she slept wonderfully!
After two nights, I was sold. I wanted bedshare exclusively. Nic, on the other hand, wasn’t sure. He was afraid it was harmful and that something horrific was going to happen to O. These were completely valid concerns, and thoughts I had as well.
I began researching bedsharing, specifically how to do it safely and found Professor James McKenna’s research. I gained confidence that we could bedshare safely. I was amazed by how much evidence there was on the benefits of bedsharing, from increased sleep for the family to the many breastfeeding and milk supply benefits. Once I knew it could be done safely AND there were benefits, I knew bedsharing was something I wanted the do.
Nic and I landed on a compromise: O would start her night in the crib next to my side of the bed, and I would bring her to bed after her first or second wake for the rest of the night. We did this for a few nights but found all this was doing was cutting into O’s longest stretch of sleep at the beginning of the night. After just a few nights, we were nearing exhaustion again, and Nic and I knew bringing her to bed at the start of the night felt right. So once again, I trusted my intuition, and we started bedsharing exclusively.
And here we are, almost exactly one year into bedsharing with O, and we still love it!
Yes, there have been challenges along the way. It took me a while to not feel sick to my stomach every time I told someone about our sleep arrangements, especially when I sensed judgment or disapproval in their reaction. We did attempt her crib at the beginning of the night with the plan to bring her to our bed after her first wake when she was around six months old (to be continued in the next “O’s Sleep Journey” post). When I realized I was only doing this to please those who thought my baby shouldn’t sleep in my bed, I ditched the crib entirely and never looked back. Our sleep setup has also had to evolve as O became more mobile (a post on our evolving bedsharing setup is coming soon) and will continue to evolve as O grows.
But one thing has remained the same throughout the last year: bedsharing works for us! It helps us get the most sleep possible. It strengthens our bond with O. It has helped us continue our breastfeeding relationship longer than I ever imagined we would! And some of my favourite memories are from bedsharing: the nights she wakes up puts her hand on my cheek and gives me a kiss, or the way she stretches out with her sleepy smile first thing in the morning, or how excited O gets on weekends when she sees that Nic is still next to her when she wakes in the morning. These are all moments we wouldn’t get if we weren’t bedsharing, and I wouldn’t trade them for the world.
So although I never thought we would ever be a bedsharing family, I am so glad we are!
